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In December 1996 I participated in the Landmark Forum and experienced a completely different view of the life I'd lived... and for the first time I got my Mum's perspective of what it was like to have me as a daughter. Which was a shock... I also contacted my father who I hadn't seen for 27 years, and I left the three day event light, energetic and bubbling/babbling like I'd just learned to talk.

Two years later I was working for the corporation Landmark Education as a participation manager, assisting program manager, self expression and leadership program registration manager, Team Management and Leadership Program classroom leader, Introduction Leader and on my way to being a Self Expression and Leadership Leader, and Level 3 Course Supervisor. In 2002 I completed all my agreements and haven't recommended the education to anyone since.

What happened is one of the core questions that participants ask during the Landmark Forum, it's the question that can get to the source of major upsets... it's one I haven't personally enquired into as far as my participation with the company is conerned. It's one I'm asking now, in this, my space on the world wide web. I sense there are a few other people around the world asking the same question.. and considering the net is a source of interconnectedness, this enquiry could connect me with other people in a similar space. And we can talk.

Life since leaving the company has been a struggle... I hate knowing that I'm responsible for my life, want to go back to being ignorant and oblivious to my purpose on the planet... and I know that what I've just said is ridiculous. I know that I know that, and I also know that I still don't know what I don't know.

The beginning is always the best place to start. It's the place I keep coming back to... wishing I had had the courage to stand up in that room back then and share about my relationship with my parents. If I'd done that things would have turned out differently. For sure.... but I didn't. Instead I bandaided my relationships.

The guy I'd been seeing recommended it to me when I started talking about my parents... gave him the full on sob story... they separated, they hate each other, my Mother blah.... my father left and.... blah .... Philip didn't cry when I finished telling him the whole dramatic sob story.. Instead all he said was, "do the forum". I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. The second time I started whinging about them he said it again... the third time he said it he gave me the phone and I called Landmark Education's office to register into the next course. Which just so happened to be three days later and yes, I could get in if I came to the office, paid $350 and filled in a form.

So I did, and I had a fantastic time during the three days. In Perth in an auditorium with 160 other people who also had no idea why they were there... one of the first questions the guy at the front of the room asked was "who here has been pressured to do this course?". About half the people in the room put their hand up, me included. He narrowed down the questions about pressure.. until one person kept her hand up... he asked her to go to the microphone and tell us about her experience of being pressured.

As she stood at the microphone explaining how her parents 'told' her she should do the course EVERYtime they ate dinner together, she kept her arms crossed and her face was lifted up so was looking down her nose when she gave her one word answers... "yeah, nah, dunno, maybe".

I sat upright at some point as I listened to the conversation... did somebody just walk past with a mirror???? I looked around to see if anyone had seen the same thing as me... that reflection of me arms crossed looking down my nose at my Mum when she asked what I was up to, how school was... I could see and hear myself. It was shocking and I felt sick.

At the first break the guy at the front of the room said there were phones outside if anyone wanted to make any calls to friends or family. I called my Mum crying as I apologised for being such a cow to her. She said she was happy I could finally see what a bitch I was. She was in Melbourne and I hadn't spoken to her for 2 few years, the last time we'd seen each other I'd said that unless she stopped drinking I didn't want to see her again. That's just what our relationship was like, unless she changed we'd never be close.

You can probably sense my shock/horror to discover I'd been fuelling the fire with my attitude. That's what the forum was like for me, I got to see a lot of things about myself that deflated the balloon I'd been protecting myself with. It got pricked a few times over the weekend.

When one guy stood up and shared about missing his daughter, not knowing what had happened to her, whether or not he had grandchildren, if she was OK.... I "saw" my Dad. So, yes, I called him in the next break and let him know I was OK. I'd been thinking it was his job to contact me... after all he's the one who left, he could do the work if he wanted to see me.... etc etc etc. Another teary phone call with promises to keep in touch.

That weekend 'sold' me on what I thought was the answer to everyone's problems and I happily participated in the next course, and the one after that, the one after that, yes to the seminars, and what? I can be a leader too? Bring it on....

So that's how it started. Landmark's Education is one thing... the ~~corporation~~ company? That's a complete other story, one that's been keeping me awake at night just waiting to be told. So here it is.